Today we're going to go into being okay with confrontation. Now, something that maybe you're avoiding, something that, you may have looked at back in the past and you haven't been happy with how you've held yourself within that interaction.
EP7 - Being ok with confrontation
[00:00:00] What's going on Brett Williams here from moments of wisdom with Brett Williams. Now, I appreciate you tuning into this episode and today we're going to go into being okay with confrontation. Now, something that maybe you're avoiding something that, uh, you may have looked at back in the past, and you've kind of thrown yourself under the bus and you just really, haven't been happy with how you've actually held yourself within that.
[00:00:22] Particular conversation. You've walked away feeling as though you've just succumbed to everybody. Else's beliefs and ideas, and you haven't been able to speak your truth. So today I go through some practical experience as to how you be able to move forward, speak your truth and not be afraid of confrontation.
[00:00:43] About seven years ago. I remember being confronted by somebody who at the time I would call a friend in a friend's kitchen when we're at a party. And the confrontation was, he was throwing something in my face that he believed and misunderstood. But one of the things that he said was that he knew that I didn't like confrontation.
[00:01:07] And at the time he was right, he was right. I was somebody who used to be a people pleaser. I would avoid confrontation at all costs. I would try and make sure that I smoothed over the surface of everything and made sure that everybody was happy and liked me. Now, obviously I understand that it comes from some deep wounds that I needed to work through.
[00:01:29] And today I want to talk about what happened last week with being okay with being absolutely abused from somebody who I was, one of the business focuses. It was a client who misunderstood something and was having an absolute go at me. And at the end of the day, I was okay with it. And so what changed between, uh, seven, six, seven years ago to now?
[00:01:55] Well, I've done a lot of work on myself and that's one of the big core things of really, uh, diving into the personal development space. And obviously I do coach as well. I, I support men and women to help them heal past relationship trauma and step into their true self. Um, I've also gone after my own passions and dreams.
[00:02:14] Having moved to Bali about three years ago now. Although right now with everything that's going on in the world, I am back in Perth for the moment. Um, but the thing was, is I really started to take control of my life because I understood that there was a few things that I had within my belief system.
[00:02:31] And also within my, I guess, unconscious behaviors and traits that really didn't serve me. And back then, All I was trying to do is I was trying to be a nice person. I was trying to help out his wife and give her some support. And at the end of the day, I'd left her with the decision to make, to come back to me.
[00:02:49] But clearly somewhere between that conversation with her and, uh, her speaking with him, there was a miscommunication that took place. And ultimately it led to him, confronting me in a kitchen and really abusing me from the perspective of believing that I'd done something wrong. And, um, And wasn't really there.
[00:03:08] And it was empty words of what I was saying when, and in fact it was, I offered the support. And she was the one that was going to come to me when she was ready for it. And so, anyway, that being said back then he was right. I hated confrontation and I would have done anything to be able to avoid it. But sometimes in life, let's be honest.
[00:03:28] You cannot avoid confrontation. You know, even if I think about my past relationship, my ex fiance, you know, there was massive confrontation in that in times. And you know, I was remembering. Just the other day. One of the hardest lessons that she taught me was I remember walking out of the bedroom and there was something that happened that day and she was sitting on the couch and I really wanted to have a conversation about it.
[00:03:50] And I remember walking to the couch and before I'd even cut to the couch and open my mouth, she looked at me, her hand went straight out in front of my face. And she said, the words, that is your issue. Not mine. And that was one of the hardest things since I learned and one of the hardest ones that she taught me.
[00:04:10] And at the end of the day, to some degree, she was right. It was my issue. And so being able, really understand what I was making things mean from the perspective of, if I was the one with the issue, then what's going on for me. And if this isn't working for me, well, then what am I going to change in order to be able to see a different perspective or maybe be able to communicate things in a different way?
[00:04:34] Now, needless to say my, uh, past relationship was prior to a lot of my personal development. So that was a very messy and, uh, tricky time to navigate because I was so naive. I didn't really know this whole thing called personal development. I really didn't know this idea of self-awareness. And I definitely didn't understand, uh, anything about being able to challenge my own beliefs and mindset and all of that sort.
[00:04:57] But, you know, I definitely learned a lot. I got a lot of, uh, I guess. The tough lessons that I then sat with over the coming years to really understand and uncover and work through now. When it comes to working through a past belief or a past situation, then sometimes we can go into kind of like a, uh, you know, a spiral of taking full blame and ownership for it.
[00:05:24] Now, one of the things that I want to invite you to do is really sit from a perspective of observing what actually took place and observing your reaction, observing your response, and being able to just uncover that from a. I guess a disconnected space and something that I use as an analogy from the edge of the pool.
[00:05:44] Now, if you're in the memory, you're in the pool and the water itself is the emotions and you cannot get any distance because you do not know where you start and you stop and the water and the water stops. So being able to get out of the pool and being able to really just sit back and observe the, uh, the situation and going through it now.
[00:06:07] On my journey of self discovery over the last, uh, as I said, six, seven, eight years, thereabouts. Um, I really started out mastering myself. And this is also giving you a bit of an insight. If you have somebody who is going through an abusive relationship or really feeling lost and confused within life, then maybe the part to be me and the, or the, be the man program, uh, through either life adoptions or conscious brothers, which one is the woman's group.
[00:06:34] And the other one is the men's group. Uh, it could very much be the programs for yourself because it starts out with really uncovering all of the things that are going on for you. And we really do need to understand how we think act and react to the world before we can start to understand others. And this is why the other week when this customer was absolutely abusing me for something that he misunderstood.
[00:06:58] And, and I know exactly what I said because I followed a very strict structure for the conversation that we had, but in his interpretation, he believed it was something else. And so. Ultimately, there was nothing that I could say because he wasn't open to listening to me. He wasn't opening open to hearing my perspective.
[00:07:15] And so it just got very, uh, eh, he just raised these boys got very angry and believe that I wasn't listening to him. So anyway, either of the point. It's not to get into the details, but more of a case of my reaction to him versus my reaction to my then friend in the kitchen and in the kitchen, I just shut down.
[00:07:38] I didn't really know what to say. I really was just consumed and, uh, impacted by it and ultimately froze. Now when it came to LA last week, what I realized and what I could see. Is, I could see all of the things in all of the places it's a, where he was coming from. And the reason why I could do that was because I know where I'm coming from.
[00:08:00] Like, I know what, what triggers me. I know what thought processes go through my own head. And I really know myself on a deep level, and I'm very, very self aware from that perspective. And so being able to understand myself. Meant that I could understand him and I could bring more empathy to him. And ultimately, instead of shutting down, like so many of us do, when it comes to confrontation, I was able to still speak and stand my ground on my points, because ultimately I know that I did nothing wrong.
[00:08:33] And so being able to really uncover that for yourself is a massively empowering thing that when you know, how you think act and react, and you're able to be able to disassociate from those within the moment and not be consumed by the emotional reaction that's going on based on the situation that is happening within front of you at that time.
[00:08:54] Well, then all of a sudden you're able to actually be within the conversation and it's not so much with, you know, The confrontation as such now the confrontation aspect or the energy that's coming from that person is not actually directed at you instead. You're just allowing it to flow past you. And you're able to be able to just, uh, stand your, your space, speak your truth.
[00:09:18] And ultimately that's one of the most empowering things in life, because there are some people out there who. No, their unconscious story or their unconscious beliefs are very manipulative and very confrontational. And at the end of the day, no, every conversation is going to be all peaches and rainbows.
[00:09:38] There are going to be times that people are not going to agree with you. And especially when you start to go out after your own dreams, whether it is to create your own business, or maybe it is to leave a relationship or maybe leave a career, whatever it might be. Those actions in themselves, as long as they are aligned with your truth and what it is that you want in your life.
[00:09:58] Well, then you, we're going to potentially conf a conflict, somebody else's viewpoint, which may have them react to you in a certain way and ultimately creating confrontation. And if you're somebody who runs from confrontation, then there's a high chance. It's because you don't actually know who you are and you also don't know your own belief system.
[00:10:19] And you don't know your boundaries. And so in those moments, you feel very easily manipulated because you don't actually know where you stand on the points of view. And so when you can really understand what's going on for yourself, then you're able to, to be less impacted by the words of that other person, if they are attacking you and you're able to just check in and go, you know what?
[00:10:42] No, that's not actually what I believe. This is what I believe. And you're able to speak your truth instead of being place where you may be, he confused and you may be kind of going into the conversation, you know, believing one thing. And then as soon as they say a couple of things, all of a sudden it has you kind of like spinning on your heels with, um, questioning your own belief system.
[00:11:03] And it's like, Oh wow. Did I actually really believe that or not? And now all of a sudden, that's the reason why you hate confrontation. Cause you always overstep yourself and you're always. I find that, um, you, you walk away not being heard and seen and understood, and that's ultimately coming back to a lack of self understanding.
[00:11:24] And so in all of this, the biggest part that I want to say is if you feel as though confrontation is something that scares you. And you try and avoid it at all costs. There is a high chance that you're also unhappy in life because you're living life in such a safe space, and you're only experiencing one element of life.
[00:11:44] You believe what you're currently experiencing is happiness, but at the end of the day, it's not necessarily happiness. What it is. It's a calm and steady environment that has no friction. And so it's your comfort zone that is allowing you to be able to stay in that space. And instead of, of going on, you know, going out on a risk for yourself, chasing your dreams, going and doing what you want traveling, obviously outside of covert, um, Or maybe a relieving, a relationship that you know is not healthy.
[00:12:15] And you're fearful of the people around you, whether it's family, friends, or loved ones around you that are going to be, you know, disagreeing with that decision, all of a sudden you're going to be continuing to live your life for somebody else. If you're fearful of confrontation. And as I said, where it comes down to first and foremost, it's not a case of.
[00:12:36] Statistically enjoying confrontation and going out and looking for it. It's more of a case of just being true and strong within your own identity, your own belief system, knowing how to be able to self regulate and very quickly in the moment regulate your emotions, your mental space, and being able to check in with something that somebody has said and cross reference it with your own belief system.
[00:12:59] So that in that moment you can either stand your ground and say, no. This is what I believe. And instead of so coming to their belief system and ultimately throwing yours in the bin when that's actually not really what you want to do. And so in all of this, I invite you to check in with yourself, you know, how much are you running away from confrontation?
[00:13:23] How much are you running away from creating any resistance at all? And if you actually looked at yourself in the mirror, if you had a real. Conversation with yourself. Are you deeply happy? Are you going to be laying on your death bed when that time comes and really wish that you had have gone after your dreams and not being so scared?
[00:13:45] Because when we can have our biggest fear become reality, then we also realize how strong we are to be able to get through that. And at the same time, it's. Not as bad as what it seems for many years, my biggest fear was being homeless. And I spoke about this in another episode. And one of my things there was being really fearful.
[00:14:09] It wasn't so much about being homeless, but it was more of a case of, uh, giving up on myself. And just rolling over and saying, life's, life's done it. Life's got me. I can't do this anymore. And just giving up, like that's more my biggest fear. Yeah. And so if we focus on something we're ultimately going to create it.
[00:14:28] And over the last year and a half, when I was living in Bali, I created that now, fortunately, I wasn't actually homeless because I knew that I was going to have some tough financial times and I prepaid my rent for a couple of months because I knew that things were going a little bit tight, but ultimately everything else was the case.
[00:14:49] I was struggling with paying bills. I was struggling to even put food on my own table. And in Bali it can be very, very cheap to eat over there, but even there, I was struggling to be able to pay food. And there was a couple of days. In a, in a small window of period, when I was waiting for money to come in from clients that I went with one or two me, it wasn't like I went without.
[00:15:10] And so, um, You know, it was a really challenging time, but at the same point, I knew it was something that I needed to go through because one of the things that I had to confront was trusting within myself that no matter what showed up for me, that I would be okay. And I highly would guess. And I would probably, you know, assume an ask you the question at the same time that that's probably a big part of yourself.
[00:15:41] It's coming back to being able to trust in yourself and going through all of this, perhaps there's been some conversations that have felt confronting and you have not had an elegant way to be able to convey your message. And ultimately it's come back to really bite you in the butt. And you're now losing trust within your own abilities.
[00:16:04] But yet the only way to be able to regain that trust cost is to be able to go through it. Yeah. And find the other areas in life that you can build that trust in. And you can trust yourself and ultimately know that when you actually come back to reconnecting with yourself, understanding, as I said before, how you think act and react.
[00:16:23] Then you will find a way to be able to move through any confronting situation and know that you'll be okay. And so that is a biggest part of it all. And at the same time, if you have not already listened to the episode prior to this, the one titled, if you lost everything, who would you be? That I'd highly recommend that you go ahead after this episode and go and listen to that one, because that in itself is going to feed on what I just said.
[00:16:50] So that being said, I appreciate you for tuning in. And wishing you an amazing day afternoon, night, evening, whatever it is, wherever you are. And I look forward to speaking to you on the next episode.